I Feel Like a Monster
by Elfpen
Summary: Remus Lupin Struggles with his lycanthropy. James and Sirius decide to befriend the lonely boy. Songfic to ‘Monster’ by Skillet
1. Chapter 1

Title: I Feel like a Monster

Author: Elfpen

Summary: In his second year at Hogwarts, Remus Lupin struggles with his lycanthropy. James and Sirius decided to befriend the lonely boy. Songfic to 'Monster' by Skillet

* * *

All he wanted was humanity. But that had been taken from him years ago. He was not human. He never could be. He was a monster.

Remus' eyes were vacant and emotionless as Madam Pomfrey patched up the long gash on his arm. Once the injury was reduced to a mere scratch, she gave a satisfactory nod. She looked up at him, and her face shown of something akin to pity when she saw his expression. She tried to conceal it – she knew the last thing he wanted right now was pity. She knew how it pained him to be reminded of his 'condition'.

The fact of the matter was that Remus Lupin was a werewolf. There were scarce few people in Hogwarts who knew it, but those who did made it a point to make sure that Remus could live with his lycanthropy as safely and as comfortably as was possible. Unfortunately, there was no truly safe or comfortable way to deal with being a werewolf. Every full moon, Remus would be escorted out to the Shrieking Shack by a knowing professor, he would undergo transformation, and in the morning, before any of the other students were even awake, he would be retrieved from the shack and brought to Madam Pomfrey, who would minister to any injuries he might have inflicted upon himself.

This morning, she was doing just that. He'd come back this time with a considerably large gash on his forearm, and his face still had long scratches on it. She'd already healed his ailments as much as she could, and so she sent the miserable teen back to his dormitory for some rest.

She sighed sadly as she watched his retreating form. The boy dealt with his lycanthropy valiantly, without ever complaining one bit. But she could see that the isolation it caused him was eating away at him. It was his second year at Hogwarts, and he had practically no friends. She'd seen him, roaming the halls alone, not saying a word to anyone. He needed someone who understood him, who accepted him. Someone who wasn't part of the Hogwarts staff. But Madam Pomfrey knew that no one butthe Hogwarts staff were supposed to know about Remus' condition.

But part of her almost wanted someone outside of the faculty to uncover Remus' secret, if that someone could offer true friendship.

She sighed again, hoping against hope that the boy might find some companionship this year at Hogwarts.

* * *

_The secret side of me, I never let you see  
I keep it caged but I can't control it_

James Potter was a particularly curious young man, not to mention a magnet for all sorts of trouble. So it was no surprise to anyone when he was given detention for upsetting a fourth year potions class with a myriad of multi-colored fireworks, to the amusement of all students present. Needless to say, the potions master was less impressed. When interrogated by the professor, James swore up and down that his friend, Sirius Black, had absolutely nothing to do with the incident, but everyone knew that he had. The two were practically inseparable and, though this was only their second year at Hogwarts, they were widely known for their misadventures and pranks.

And so, here he was, serving detention by scrubbing old medical tools of various kinds, all grimed up with varying amounts of unidentified muck. Much to his dismay, he was not allowed to use any magic to assist him in his job.

_How do muggles do this every day?! _James thought in disgust as he set aside a mostly-empty potion bottle that had a questionable green goop cemented to the sides and bottom. He would clean that one later. As he picked up the next dirty bowl, he realized that he was going to be sitting here on the floor, surrounded by dirty glass for hours. With a sigh, he wondered if Sirius could come bust him from the hospital. Then again… James looked over at Madam Pomfrey, who, in turn, glared at him in a mother-like way, almost daring him to try and escape. He turned back around and huffed again. No, he was never going to get away from here. Resignedly, he went back to cleaning, smiling faintly as he remembered the fireworks display that had gotten him into this mess. Had it all been worth it? James paused, and remembered the students' reactions. The many colors, the sounds, the laughs, the look on the professor's face, the fact that said professor's hair had caught on fire… James smiled. Yes, it had been worth it. But, though he had no regrets, James knew that he would be stuck here for hours, alone, no one to talk to…

Which was why he was completely surprised to see Remus Lupin coming out of the hospital wing, looking rather down.

"Remus?" He asked, surprised. The other teen turned at the sound of his name, startled.

"Oh, James… Hi." He said, forcing his lips into a small smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, this." James looked down at his work. "Well, I got into a scrape with the potions master. A bit of a fireworks show during class… He wasn't happy." He pulled a face and began an uncanny impression of Horace Slughorn. "Potter!" He harrumphed in a Slughorn-like way, "Detention!" He scowled, and then brandished a mischievous Potter grin. "So, here I am." He said. He frowned. "What about you?" He asked Remus, looking him over.

"Oh, I uh," Remus started, his brain working quickly to pick out a suitable story for this month.

"Your face looks horrible. What on earth did you get those scratches from?" James said. "And what happened to your eyes? They're all dark."

"I'm fine." Remus broke in quickly. "I just… Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but while I was out studying yesterday evening, a cat, belonging to one of the Ravenclaw girls, decided that it didn't much appreciate me stepping on it's tail." He gestured convincingly towards the long claw marks on his cheek and forehead. "So Madam Pomfrey fixed me up. As for the eyes, I didn't sleep well last night."

"I can imagine." James said. Then, in a more astonished undertone, "Bloody demented cat…" He muttered, looking again at the scratches on Remus' face, which made the other boy shift nervously. "Rotten luck, that is." James said eventually. "I hope it heals up right. Hate to be telling that story as long as the scars are there, eh?" James said jokingly with a smile. Remus forced another smile.

"Yeah, I suppose." He said with a nervous chuckle. _Merlin, I'm bad at bluffing. _He thought to himself. There was an awkward pause between the two boys, before Remus twiddled his fingers and spoke up.

"Well, I ought to be going. I need to finish some homework that I didn't get to last night…" He gestured vaguely to the general direction of the library.

"Oh, right. Don't let me keep you. But if you see Sirius, punch him in the arm for me, will you?"

Remus gave the other boy an odd look, but nodded. "Um, alright. Well, erm, bye." He said awkwardly, and walked off.

James smiled and waved a farewell, but the gesture went unnoticed. He frowned confusedly at the boy's back. He liked Remus, he really did. He was a brilliant wizard and a good acquaintance. James had only known him for about a year, but he was one of his roommates, and so he saw him a lot. Remus didn't seem too bothered by James' and Sirius' antics, like some others were, and James liked him for it. He was even known for donating some rather devious ideas to the duo. James wished they could be better friends, but Remus always seemed a bit distant, as if he was afraid of friendship; like he had something to hide. James honestly felt sorry for the boy in this respect. He wished Remus would let James and Sirius be closer friends to him. He always seemed so lonely, so… Unhappy. James sighed sadly and sent a look of pity down the hall at Remus' retreating form. Maybe he should talk to Sirius about being friendlier to the clearly lonely teen. Yes, he would do that, James thought with resolve. He was going to make it his mission to get Remus Lupin to cheer up. He was _going _to be this young wizard's friend, whether he liked it or not. And Sirius (if he wanted to stay on James' good side) would do likewise. Smiling in a determined sort of way, James started mentally working the details of his new plan, and was getting quite exited by the prospect of a new 'mission'.

_CRASH!_

The sound of shattering glass tore James from his musings and made him jump. He looked over to see that a whole stack of old bottles and beakers were now lying in pieces on the floor, because James had unthinkingly kicked his leg out and knocked them over. The only noise in the room was the drip-dripping noise of the bottles leaking out their mysterious contents, and James could _feel _the daggers aimed at the back of his head. He turned around to face Madam Pomfrey slowly, putting on what he hoped was a winning smile.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

A/N: I was shocked when I found practically no Remus Lupin songfics set to this song. So, I decided to make my own. Though I'll warn you, my version of 'songfic' and some other author's versions are a bit different. A lot of songfics you see around here tend to be a song with a little bit of fic, but mine tend to be fic with a little bit of song. I don't rightly know exactly how long this one's going to be, but I'm liking it so far. Hope you enjoy it too!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Well, I got a whopping 0 reviews for my first chapter, but as I like this story, I thought I would give it another shot and see if anyone actually reviews this time. So, if you're reading this, please do me a favor and review if you liked it. Because if no one reviews, I get the impression that no one likes it, and generally, that is enough for me to stop posting a story. So yeah. Please review. :)

* * *

_So stay away from me, the beast is ugly  
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it_

Remus wiped at his face furiously and sniffed as he tried to get a hold on himself. He mentally berated himself for crying like this. It was immature of him, and it didn't do him one bit of good. Yet he couldn't seem to hold back the sobs that ripped themselves from his shaking frame. Mad at himself and his situation, he buried his face into his pillow once more and thanked the silence around him that there was no one here to see him in this pitiful state.

_And no one there to see me last night._

Remus' stomach melted to somewhere beneath his feet as he remembered the events of last night. He groaned in despair as shame washed over him. He couldn't do this anymore. He never wanted to. He didn't want to. He would never be able to live with himself. And yet he had no choice. Every full moon, the night was transfigured into his own personal hell. Every day was filled with dread of the next full moon, his nightmares constantly haunted with horrible memories and the constant fear that he would hurt his friends or someone he loved. He felt like he spent spent his entire life being dragged down a horrible road, screaming in protest, for anyone's help. But no one could do anything but look on apologetically from the sidelines, trying their best to comfort him, but in vain.

The professors, Madam Pomfrey, and even Dumbledore himself always reminded Remus that none of it was his fault, that he should not feel ashamed of something beyond his control. But their pity and comfort did nothing to help him. Deep in his heart, he knew it would eventually be the end of him – the shame, the horror, the mind-searing pain.

_You're so weak! _Remus berated himself angrily. _There have been hundreds before you who've had to deal with this! And yet you can't go two weeks without crying your eyes out like a baby! What is wrong with you?! _He punched his pillow hard. _You're such a girl. Get a hold of yourself, Remus. _He breathed heavily, trying to get a handle on his emotions. He slowly sank back down into his pillow, shaking with repressed sobs. No matter how he ran from it, no matter how he ignored it, no matter how he looked at it, he couldn't escape the truth.

He was a monster.

Interrupting his thoughts, Remus heard the latch on the door lift, and two voices entered the room.

Not wanting to be bothered in the moment of his weakness, Remus made sure his tear-stained face was hidden from view, and went limp on his bed, feigning sleep.

The other two didn't seem to be paying any attention to the brown-haired boy asleep on the bed.

"Did you really break all those bottles?!"

"You should've seen Pomfrey's face. She was downright murderous. I thought I was done for."

"Well at least it wasn't Filch. He _would _have murdered you."

"Well at least _I _was willing to take what was coming to me."

"It's not _my _fault _you _decided to leave me with the cloak! I was _going _to go with you, but _no!_" Sirius' voice changed to an impression of James' " 'Stay here, Sirius. I'll throw in the fireworks. Oh, and Sirius, if things go wrong, take the cloak and run.' "

"I never told you to run!"

"You left me with the cloak, didn't you?!"

"That doesn't give you any reason to abandon me with the likes of Slughorn and Pomfrey!"

"What, afraid of an old scholar and a nurse, Potter?"

"No! But you didn't have to go running off!"

"Oh, and have them find the cloak? Yeah, you'd be thanking me for that one all year."

"Oh, lay off, Sirius."

If Remus hadn't been in such a rotten mood, he would have laughed at their conversation. As one of their roommates and someone who knew them better than most, Remus knew full well that James and Sirius were not the least bit upset with one another. Their conversations often consisted of banter like that which Remus was overhearing.

There was a brief silence in the room, in which Remus could hear that both boys had flopped back onto their beds.

"Is that Remus?" He could hear Sirius ask curiously. Remus' heart raced a bit faster at the sudden attention. He would have to play a convincing role of sleeping student.

"Yeah." James replied easily. "Saw him earlier today in the hospital. Apparently he was mauled by some rabid cat. Got some bloody awful scratches for his trouble. Poor fellow. I suspect he's trying to catch up on sleep."

"I hate cats. Good for nothing waste of fur, if you ask me."

"Oh, I'm sure the one who attacked Remus would be glad to do the same to you, if you keep that up."

"What, you like cats?"

"Not really, but I don't go around inviting them to slice up my face."

"I did no such thing!"

"Neither did Remus."

"Really, James, it's not as if the lousy beasts are actually _intelligent. _They've got about as much sense as a broken doorknob."

"Whatever you say, Sirius."

"Anyway… Mauled by a cat, you say?"

"Yeah. Said he didn't get much sleep, either."

"Poor guy."

"Yeah."

There was a silence in the room. Remus' heart beat loudly in his ears, and he was starting to wonder if the two other boys had realized that he was eavesdropping, when James spoke.

"You know, Sirius, I was thinking…"

"Always a dangerous pastime."

James shot his friend a harsh look. "I was thinking about Remus earlier today, right after he left. You know, he always seemed a bit… Lonely."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I was thinking – he really is a brilliant wizard. He's always been nothing but nice to us – except for a few times – but it seems to me that he hasn't really got any friends. So I thought that we should see if we could befriend him. You know, include him in our circle a bit more than a simple roommate."

"Well… I don't see why not. But I don't know if he's going to go along with it. Surely you've noticed how much of a loner he is. He's always keeping off to himself. Not in a spiteful way, just…"

"Distant."

"Exactly."

"Well, I know, but… I figured that we could at least try, Sirius. I mean, the fellow just seems so darn unhappy all the time. I think it'd do him so good to cheer up and have a few friends, don't you?"

"Of course. It's always worth a shot."

"Good. You with me?"

"Course I am! Have I ever not been?"

"Yes, actually. March fifth of last year, you completely ruined our plans to prank Goren by catching the flu."

"That wasn't my fault!" Sirius cut in defensively. Remus could hear both of the boys' feet hit the floor as they stood up. "I was really sick. Besides, I was hardly out of commission a day, thanks to Madam Pomfrey."

"Yeah. Just don't go doing that again anytime soon – she's got a grudge against me now, you know."

"Ugh, don't remind me. I wasn't feeling so great this morning. Just might be coming down with something. Now come on, I'm hungry. Get the cloak, will you? – I want to go down and get some muffins or something."

"Your mind is always on food, isn't it?" James said exasperatedly as they started back out the door.

"What are you, my mother? You know you're just as hungry as I am, now come on, Potter…" Their voices faded into inaudible murmurs as the door shut behind them. Remus opened his eyes.

James Potter and Sirius Black… Wanted to be his friends? He entertained the appealing idea for a few moments, but quickly dispelled it. _No they don't. _He told himself. _They just pity you. They don't actually like you. They just feel sorry for you. They'd never want a… Someone like you for a friend, anyway._ Remus sighed heavily. They couldn't be friends. If they were to find out… If he were to hurt them… He cringed. No, he couldn't let them become his friends. It would only lead him deeper into a world of hurt, and he was sure that they would reject him if they ever discovered who… _what _he was.

And yet, He so longed for companionship. He was so isolated in this world, considering his condition. But at the same time, he knew that he was predisposed for loneliness. He was after all, a despicable monster. He cringed again at this truth. He could only have friends on a shallow level, before they learned his secret; before they really got to know him. And though he regretted the fact that he couldn't let anyone grow close to him, at the same time, he knew it was better and safer for everyone if no one found out about his condition. The Hogwarts staff constantly impressed that onto his mind. Despite this, however, Remus felt a sudden surge of rebellion, and wished he could go against unspoken rules and let someone uncover his secret, if only for companionship. But his conscience mentally slapped him across the face as soon as the thought occurred to him. He couldn't think like that. He couldn't let anyone too close. They just might end up getting hurt, or worse. He didn't bother to finish the thought. With a sigh and a sniffle, Remus closed his tired eyes, letting sleep carry him off to a much more enjoyable, much more peaceful world.

* * *

A/N: Painfully short, I know. Sorry. I thought it was an okay place to stop, though. Hope you like it. And like I said… READ AND REVIEW!!! (please??)


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